Reflections

Today my driving licence expired. Its been 10 years since I last had to stand there for "that" photo, which I might add was one of the better ones taken (I am not photogenic). Almost to the point I actually enjoyed handing it over when pulled over by a good looking policeman.... but I digress.

The fact is, the photo was taken 10 years ago, when I was 34 years old. And boy a lot has happen in those ten years. And yes it has aged me, both physically and emotionally.



You see in these 10 past years there are loads of regrets, anger and sadness, but balanced with happiness and new beginnings. There was a betrayal (adultery kind), a vicious property dispute and painful divorce, a breakdown from the threats, fear of having to raise a young child without financial nor emotional support from his biological father, and loss of "so-called" friends. And there was stress from financial pressures, the start of a new relationship (including the dramas courtesy of a feral ex-wife and his 3 kids), trying to forge a new career whilst being the only provider, putting myself through a 3 year Uni degree, the purchases of not one but 2 houses (which the bank helped "f" up the process on both), the complicated birth of my second son, the move to the country, my partners 2 1/2 year period of unemployment......... and an Autism Spectrum Disorder + ADHD diagnosis (youngest child).

But then there was meeting my partner (though he has MANY faults, loves me deeply), my eldest child growing into a beautiful young man (who I am immensely proud of), my youngest child being the most loving, amazing individual you will ever meet, my family and my partner's family who have stood by me throughout the past painful episodes of my life, moving to the country and learning many new tasks and skills (never thought I could milk a goat and make the most sort after cheese but I can), my new friends who have been there for me (unlike my so called "old friends"),  and not only completing the Uni degree with mainly high distinctions, but obtaining a post graduate in emergency nursing as well. I have personally saved lives, and helped others exit this life with dignity and comfort, I make a difference at my youngest son"s school (all 20 pupils LOL) by helping with reading and being the treasurer on the parents committee. And I am learning to ride my own horse
Piglet.

So this on the day of my 44th birthday, I am currently drinking my favourite glass of wine, the roast is in the oven. I look forward to the next 10 years, with all that it brings (hopefully with a lotto win so I can have that talk with a plastic surgeon LOL). And when I reflect back in 10 years time, I look forward to listing "loosing the weight with Michelle's 12 wbt program" as one of the positives.

Deborah.

The gentle art of saying "YES"

This is Piglet, my 6 year old standard bred mare. She represents a number of things, my love of horses and my dream to ride - and my fear of loosing control and of failure (or in this case, falling). She is my challenge, and in many ways, my saviour.

In my last post I spoke about waiting - waiting till I lost the weight, waiting till I had more time, more money (the list of excuses is long and varied). And whilst I was "waiting" aka living in fear, I was missing my life. I have had Piglet for 2 months now, and and only riden her for approximately 10 minutes, and that was in the paddock with my partner leading her. Each day I would go out and feed her, talk to her and tell her how much I loved her - but I didnt honor her by putting my trust in us and what we could do together. I was scared, and overwhelmed with the whole riding process. I told myself that although I am able to ride, and have done so with others at a friends trail riding place, that I was still a beginner and that she was too confronting for me.

Yesterday everything changed. With a friend's help, not only did I ride Piglet, I rode her independantly. Baby steps, didnt leave the paddock, and we didnt canter, but the whole experience was empowering and I cant wait to have another day off work so I can throw the saddle back on. Yes we had a few minor issues - Piglet can be very stubborn LOL, but we worked through them.

Now I know that many of my fellow team-mates are not horse mad, but this experience has given me insight into other areas of my life. For example, running. Now I know Michelle is a real pusher for running, and well I do not see myself as a runner. The excuses (weak ankles, back pain, too old, I will look stupid in front of others.........) are going over in my head, but like the situation with Piglet, its about letting go and trusting. Trusting yourself that you can actually do this, and putting the fear aside that you will fail.

I have no doubt that I will never be an olympic rider, nor will I be an acclaimed runner. But I dont care. Because I will do it for the love of it, for the experience of it, and because I can.

(PS - for those who have noticed Piglet's shabby oversize coat, this has been corrected and she now has a new winter coat that fits her perfectly LOL)

Night feeding (or shall I say night raiding)

Ok I have a confession to make - the possum who raids the left over dog food at our house, is not the only one rummeraging around for snacks during the night. I do it too (but the fridge, not the dog bowl - I'm not that desparate LOL).

And its not because I am hungry, and I know it sets off the heartburn that in turn impacts on my sleep, which surprise, surprise leaves me a grumpy mummy in the morning. I am acutely aware of all the negatives - yet am somehow compelled to still do it.

I once read somewhere that there are 3 things that you need to do in order to loose weight. You need to move more, you need to choose healthy food choices, and what you think (eg the tapes in your head). Now I am an educated, smart woman, I know about the exercise and food bit, but my downfall is the head bit. This is my personal hell. Why do I keep abusing myself like this.

I find myself sayings things like "I will .......(insert good things in life).... WHEN I LOOSE THE WEIGHT". I finally realised that I my life is passing me by while I "wait" till that magical day when all the planets are aligned, that I have the perfect career, the house is renovated,..........and of course am back to being a size 10.

My lightbulb moment came a few days ago. Whilst I am "waiting" to have a life, my kids are growing up. And if I continue to wait, in no time they will have reached adulthood and have moved on, and we will have both missed out.

So fellow team-mates - ask yourself this - what are YOU waiting for???

Deborah

Look with favour upon a bold beginning

Once upon a time there was a girl who had the world at her feet. And a size 8 figure to go along with it. But then as often occurs in the real world, life dished out a few emotional curve-balls, plus along with having two kids, a messy divorce (yes I still hate him), then studying at Uni, juggling shift-work, farm, blah blah blah blah............... you know how it goes.

Fast forward about 20 years, and you guessed it - mother nature has not been kind. So unkind that Nivea is just not enough, and the size 8 figure has now ballooned out to a size 14.


So this is my bog - the start of my war. Its a personal war, one filled with not only physical scars but mental ones as well. All trying (successfully I might add) to keep me wrapped in my protective layer of fat. It wont be pretty but conflict never is, but at the end of it I hope to be the victor. And my prize???

My lost self esteem.

Deborah